Thursday, October 18, 2012

Life After Divorce

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Passing of Time



Memories of 2008:

This year has sped by so very quickly, reminding me just how time can pass when you're not looking. This year has been one that was filled with many blessings, tears, joys, sorrow and much love. Watching the girls grow and experience life in ways that only they know how, and trying to enjoy as much of it as I can take in. The ending of home school, the beginning of public and the new found freedom of having a piece of your life back but not knowing exactly what to do with it. The beginning of 1st grade, realizing that your baby isn't a baby any more. And the beginning of 3rd grade, wandering the simple question: "WHAT HAPPENED!?!" How did your first born grow so quickly. Experiencing the lost of little teeth and without any notice the lost of a dear friend.

Marquis has always been such a wonderful part of our lives, he is my friend more than anyone else's (of the Hopper family that is) He holds such an awe inspiring place in my heart and has impacted both mine and the girls lives in such a great way. I remember not wanting to tell the girls and even for a day pondering not telling them at all because of the tears that I wanted to spare them. But after a lot of thought and prayer I buckled down and went for it. I explained to them that Marquis had gone to live with Jesus. Kirston said,"You mean, he died?" I said, "Yes." She asked me what happened and than said to me, "But why did he have to die, he was one of my favorite people" I said, "I know, he is one of my favorite people too."
Him not being here is extremely odd to me and had someone told me that I wouldn't see, talk to or share any more of our special moments throughout "09" I wouldn't have believed it. He truly is the least likely to go. So full of life and always spreading it, yet the 3rd of Aug., 5 days shy of a month after his 24th birthday he went swimming in a pond and that was that. He is greatly missed and I'm sure somewhere in the world someone will always miss and love him. I know I will.

30 huh?

Well, its official, I'm 30. Okay so truth be told i've been 30 for about (7) months now and i'm rapidly creeping  up on 31. Now don't get me wrong being 30 is not a bad thing; I'm happy to be aging, and in fact I wouldn't have it any other way. It's far better then being dead. My only issue is that I still, even in these almost 31 years, have no idea what I wanna be when I grow up. And when I think about it my mind goes into overload and just about shuts down.
So I'm sure that we as humans in general feel that way at times but I swear I feel so alone in this club. Can somebody else bring the dip next time? Or better yet, can somebody else pay our monthly dues? I'm kind of over it and just about broke. 

When I was a child I so badly wanted to be an artist and I was an artist. (a pretty darn good one, though not as good as i would like to have been) By the time I was in the second grade my art was chosen, along with a very select few, to be hung inside of a local museum in Los Angeles, California. And as an adult going through some of my mother's things years after she died, I found some of my old report cards and I came across a notation in one of them from my first grade teacher telling my mother that I  was a talented artist and could one day be an illustrator. How flattered I was reading her comments and how much more so would I have been had it been my own child. But at the same time upon reading it I was disappointed in my mother for not encouraging and nurturing me as she should have. I have two young girls of my own that are filled with talent and life. There's  no way on this earth that I would put their little lights out.
But my mother on the other hand wasn't exactly down with my artistic side. Instead she asked me what my real job was going to be, but not until after I shared with her how important it was for me to one day own my own gallery and invite the children of my community and other local artist to display their work and have the opportunity to feel as awesome as I did that day. Her being as supportive as she was that day (sarcasm) was probably one of the most pivotal moments of my life.   
You know, I could never seem to find an answer to the question she asked me that day, and shortly after i put away my pencil and pad for a few years. I've tried out so many things since then but nothing really stuck, in fact, everything else kind of sucked. My heart and passion is art and will always be art. Writing, drawing, sculpture, painting, crafts and most everything else that has to do with creative thought. The creative mind is so awesomely beautiful, how could i not love it. 

One thing that I truly regret is that fact that I allowed my mother's opinion about what I wanted to pursue in life stop me from pursuing it. If she were here right now i would hope that I would say without hesitation. "I am art. Hear me Blog."

Friday, February 3, 2012

these little hands

and feet alike


        i've been a mother my entire adult life and i’d be lying if i told you that it's been strawberries and butterfly cakes every day. along with being a mom id been married since the age of 18, and that sucked more times than not. trying to find my barons somewhere in that relationship and find myself as well; beckoning to the call of mommy and wife and pushing nishalay as far back as i had ever @any point in life never proved to be a good thing. yes, we should be selfless however, being human and ones self is equally important.
        i remember when my girls were younger and motherhood didn’t seem so difficult. sure i worried just like the next mom about everything that concerned them, even if they hadn't yet come to the understanding that it concerned them. and of course there were definitely "those days". we all have those days, but it seemed that as long as i kept those little hands and feet as safe as i could then all was right in the land of nishalay. but now that life has moved forward, my marriage has come and gone, and nishalay once again exists; those hands are still important, but i am now equally so.

hump vs.antler

my daughter drew a picture of a camel @school the other day, and though she has proven to be a pretty talented lttle artist, especially for her  9yrs of age, these camel had antlers. I told her, as she showed me the picture, that camel didn't have antlers. she couldn't believe it. camel have always had antlers. later that evening she and i were watching a comercial with a bunch of moose in it (i cant recall which comercial it was off the top of my mind.) and she said to me, "see mommy." i knew exactlly what she was talking about and said," that's a moose." she  laughed and said, "oooohhhh." my response to her was that camel have humps not antlers. she laughed again and told me that she knew that and that's what she meant to draw...a few minutes went by and she said to me, "mommy, shouldn't they be called meese? goose are geese so moose are meese right?" i laughed so hard. that girl is awesome. keeps me going.